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Lenny Bruce was damned funny (some gems of his on censorship and religion)

Lenny Bruce (1925-1966) U.S. satirical comic

What Would Lenny Bruce Say About Facebookʼs Censorship Policy? Click here.

Lenny Sez…

“If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.”

You canʼt put tits and ass on the marquee!

Why not?

Because itʼs dirty and vulgar, thatʼs why not!

Titties are dirty and vulgar? Okay, weʼll compromise. How about Latin? Gluteus maximus, pectoralis majors nightly.

Thatʼs alright, thatʼs clean, class with ass, Iʼll buy it.

Clean to you, schmuck, but dirty to the Latins!

Lenny on Religion

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

I knew in my heart by pure logic that any man who calls himself a religious leader and owns more than one suit is a hustler so long as there is someone in the world who has no suit at all.

I do not doubt for a moment that if Christ were to come down he would go immediately to headquarters and ask the Pope, “What are you doing wearing that big ring? What are those gold cups encrusted with jewels for? Donʼt you know that people are starving all over the world?

Christ and Moses go to New York … Saint Patrickʼs cathedral. Confused, Christ is, at the grandeur of the interior. His route took him through Spanish Harlem. He would wonder what fifty Puerto Ricans were doing living in one room. That stained glass window is worth nine grand!

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Alright, letʼs admit it, we Jews killed Christ — but it was only for three days.

I suppose that if I were Christ-like, I would turn the other cheek and keep letting you punch me and even kill me, because what the hell, Iʼm Godʼs son, and itʼs not so bad dying when you know youʼve got a pass to come back indefinitely. All right, so you have to take a little crap when you come home and you have to “get it” from your Father… “Oh, you started again, you canʼt get along. Who was it this time? The Jews, eh? Why canʼt you stop preaching? Look, this is the last time Iʼm telling you, the next time you get killed, youʼre STAYING there. Iʼve had enough aggravation with your mother.”

Head Tribesman: I have spoken with the Lord and the Lord has asked that we give up things for him. Now, Iʼll tell you what Iʼm going to do. Iʼll start the ball rolling here. I pledge that I will give up…something very dear to me…I will give up…fifteen rivers and eighteen of my farms for the Lord. And that makes me the best man in the tribe!

Second Tribesman: Iʼll beat him…is he kidding with that? Iʼll give up seventy-five of my farms and all my cows. Thatʼs it. And that makes me the best man in the tribe.

Third Tribesman: Just a moment. Just a moment now. I will show you all how much I love the Lord. I will give up something that will astound you…I will give up…

Second Tribesman: Go ahead…say it.

Third Tribesman: No…I donʼt want to say the word.

Head Tribesman: Oh…then write it down someplace.

Second Tribesman: Yeah…hereʼs a writing down thing.

Head Tribesman: Put it down here.

(They read what he wrote.)

First Tribesman: Oh, come on now…are you kidding with that?

Another: Youʼre giving that up just to prove a point? Youʼre out of your mind.

Another: How long you giving it up for?

Third Tribesman: Forever and ever.

Another: Well, go beat that…now heʼs the best man in the tribe.

Another: Thatʼs right…cause he gave that up for the Lord.

Second Tribesman: Now wait a minute. I donʼt intend to give that up.

Wife of Second Tribesman: Oh, you gave that up a long time ago.

Second Tribesman: But what about the people who donʼt give it up?

Head Tribesman: That makes them second best. Thatʼs how the scale works.

Another: Well, what about the people who talk about it?

Head Tribesman: The people who do what?

Another: The people who talk about “doing it.” What about them?

Head Tribesman: Weʼll just…bust their ass. And talking about it will be dirty…dirty…dirty…

Tribe: Dirty…dirty…dirty…

Julian Barry, Lenny: A Play Based on the Life and Words of Lenny Bruce

Now, a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. Thatʼs what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is—One Who Killed Our Lord. I donʼt know if we got much press on that in Illinois—we did this about two thousand years ago—two thousand years of Pollack kids whacking the shit out of us coming home from school. Dear, dear. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce. And I really searched it too, why we pay the dues. Why do you keep breaking our balls for this crime?

“Why, Jew? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on the Roman soldiers.”

All right, Iʼll clear the air once and for all, and confess. Yes, we did it. I did it, my family. I found a note in my basement. It said:

We killed him.
signed, Morty.

And a lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. We killed him because he didnʼt want to become a doctor, thatʼs why we killed him. Or maybe it would shock some people, some people who are involved with the dogma, to say that we killed him at his own request, because he knew that people would exploit him. In his name they would bust people. In Christʼs name they would exploit the flag, the Bible, and—whew! Boy, the things theyʼve done in his name!

But heʼs going to get it if he comes back. Definitely. Heʼs going to get killed again, because he made us pay so many dues. So heʼs going to get whacked. And you can tell that to the Jehovahʼs Witnesses, who have all those dates. As soon as he comes back, whacked again.

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