Showing posts with label religious humor comedy satire sarcasm jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religious humor comedy satire sarcasm jokes. Show all posts
Kitten-Handling Christians Open Church Across Street from Serpent-Handlers: Fang-Strokers Find Fuzzy-Cuddler Neighbors Irresistible And New Church Thrives!
A new sect of Christians has arisen in the West Virginian town of Bluestone, partly in response to the continued risk of needless death in nearby Serpent-Handling churches.
This church is different, they preach that besides Jesusʼ command to Love your Enemies, he might just as well have added, “Ye shall cuddle the cutest of kittens, and ye shall not harm them, and this shall be a sign unto the world of the truth of our Gospel.”
Nobody said trying to keep a kitten safe from harm in oneʼs bare hands was as easy as snake handling! Itʼs only by the power of god that one is able to keep the kittens that one handles safe from all harm, and undropped!
Pastor Eamon Smith
Pastorʼs Daughter Angelica
Angelicaʼs Friend Bobsy Jones
New parishoner joining the church, Marybeth Pomney, in the middle of her kitten-chism ceremony.
Three year anniversary of Martha Mayʼs church attendance, sheʼs never missed a service!
Four year anniversary of Hinton Gʼs church membership.
A powerful testimony delivered by Fred Eggleston!
Not one kitten harmed! Ever!
David Groves, ace cat juggler by trade is not a member of the church! (though he was invited by Pastor Smith to teach Sunday School last November just so he could share everything he knows about how not to drop cats or kittens. ever!)
Kitten Prayer Ceremony (no this kitten had not been dropped! this was part of the churchʼs normal worship service)
Handling kittens leads to raising cats, and juggling cats is not recommended, due to the possibility of harm coming to them, however, itʼs o.k. in this church if the cats are the ones doing the juggling! howl-a-leuya!
Cats with fairy-angel wings as seen in a vision and painted by Sister Margaret
A large “No Dogs Allowed” sign stands outside the church (for obvious reasons) Pastor Smith explains, “Weʼre not being discriminatory, we just arenʼt prepared for dogs yet. Weʼre heavily invested in litter and catnip and so weʼre focusing on kittens first. But so many of our members love puppies as well as kittens that as soon as we raise enough funds for an addition on the church weʼll become the ‘First Church of Kitten & Puppy-Handlers.’”
The Anti-Cat (two varieties as examples) Pastor Smith also talked to us about the “Anti-Cat.” “The Anti-Cat is what cats arenʼt supposed to be, itʼs two-faced, and not to be trusted, donʼt turn your back on it. Though itʼs hard to look away.”
Carnival of Science, The Bible, Philosophy, and Humor
Tweets attributed to “God” on Twitter:
People like to imagine Me coming down to end civilization because itʼs less scary than imagining being left alone and doing it yourselves.
The people who think the world will end all at once will be largely responsible for it ending gradually.
If itʼs any consolation, the nine quintillion other universes I oversee are all going to sh*t too.
Praying is the definition of the least you can do.
The best thing about atheists is they never blame Me.
The people who say “itʼs all part of God's plan” give Me waaay too much credit.
tweets from jmiz8
When people tell me “I found the Lord” I assume the Lord had been hiding from them. Then I pray for Jesus to find some better hiding spots.
I have a Christian friend who is so devout he refuses to covet his own wife.
I get religious people being anti-abortion, but them thinking .25mg of estrogen or 2 grams of latex can stop the “fate of god” I'm fuzzy on.
Naked female scientist tries to tame belugas in the freezing Arctic
Green Porno - Dolphins (what kinds of sex WONʼT dolphins have?)
The Simpsons, Quotations!
Marge [praying before having sex]: Dear Lord, thank you for the physical intimacy we are about to enjoy.
Homer: And as always, have fun watching.Homer ordering ice cream at a Christian theme park: “One Tower of Babel and build it to Heaven” (Ge 11:1-9).
Homer: Whatʼs the big deal about going to some building every Sunday. I mean, isnʼt God everywhere?
Bart: Amen, brother.
Homer: And donʼt you think that the almighty has better things to worry about then where one little guy spends one measly hour of this week?
Bart: Tell it, Daddy.
Homer: And what if we pick the wrong religion? Every week weʼre just making God madder and madder.
Bart: Testify!Rev. Lovejoy [playing a Protestant in days of Queen Elizabeth]: Lord Jesus, although our country turned protestant for the soleful reason that our fat mean King could dump his faithful wife, we know youʼre on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters [Catholics] who believe your mother should be revered.
Ned Flanders praying in Israel: ..and Lord, thank you for letting me be in this wonderful place where the end of the world will soon begin.
Pirate: We must pray to Santa Maria to save us. Santa Maria de Guadalope, mystical rosa, interceda por .. (lightning strikes the ship.) One of you were not praying!
Homer: Oh heavenly God, my son is plagued with homework. With Your vast knowledge of “The Shore Birds of Maryland”, I know You can help him.
Homer: Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me, and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So hereʼs the deal; you freeze everything as it is and I wonʼt ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign. Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
Futurama Quotations
Zoidberg: Whoʼs brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere?
Bender: Dying sucks butt. How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy: General slutiness.
Fry: Thanks to denial, Iʼm immortal.Reverend Lionel Preacherbot: The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.
Hermes [showing line graph]: As you can see, since Benderʼs death, request to bite one shiny metal ass are down 98%. [Scruffy walks by, using parts of Benderʼs disconnected robot body as a noisy vacuum cleaner] Do you mind doing that later?
Scruffy: Bite my shiny metal ass. [the end of Hermeʼs line graph rises]God: Bender, being God isnʼt easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people wonʼt be sure youʼve done anything at all.Bender: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe!
GODʼS BLOG (from the New Yorker, humor)
New novel poses the question whether God might not simply be an adolescent: There Is No Dog by Meg Rosoff – review
Interesting Bible News!
“The Book of Jeremiah is now one-seventh longer than the one that appears in some of the 2,000-year-old manuscripts known as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Some verses, including ones containing a prophecy about the seizure and return of Temple implements by Babylonian soldiers, appear to have been added after the events happened.”
St. Christina The Astonishing!
Her life story was composed by a contemporary! (Witty writer sums up what we know about her, the original flying nun!)
10 Vestigial Traits You Didnʼt Know You Had (The article left out all the vestiges left in the human genome, from genes inserted by viruses in our ancestors to pseudogenes, and multiplying jumping genes that landed in the same relative places in us and our predecessors. What are the odds! Obviously they didnʼt land in the same places, we inherited the same DNA.)
Violence Vanquished: We believe our world is riddled with terror and war, but we may be living in the most peaceable era in human existence. Why brutality is declining and empathy is on the rise.
According to Cavanaugh every concentrated community of power, whether of religion or of the state, is likely to tilt toward violence under certain circumstances. He also thinks that during the 17th century the western world went from religions that deemed themselves beyond criticism to governments that did so, calling it a “migration of the holy.” He judges that the nation-state was formed at the turn of the modern era as a concentration of power for the conduct of war. In order to sustain itself in the violence business the nation-state has taken to itself religious or quasi-religious claims that are shrouded so as not to be subject to the critique that it is a form of religion that is producing violence. In the end the nation-atate--not least the U.S. in its pious, self assured, exceptionalism—has become the core idol in the modern world. “God Bless America.” We are witnesses to an assumed holiness of the state in its aggression that is rooted in a myth that continues to have wide and uncritical acceptance. So says the reviewer of Cavanaughʼs two recent books. Cavanaughʼs view reminds me of Eric Hofferʼs view in The True Believer. Though Cavanaugh is a Christians and Hoffer an atheist.
Quotations From Logan Pearsall Smith, E. M. Cioran, Kierkegaard.
Prey turns on Predator! Beetle larva flaps its tail, enticing the frog to come after it,then the frog swallows it, but canʼt keep it down, then the larva attaches itself to the frogʼs belly and sucks and eats it till the frog is just bones.
“Brain eating” amoeba kills three people
Plants survive animal attacks by creating lots of new DNA. Creationists take note, nature makes more DNA naturally. And portions of that continue to undergo mutation.
The bacterium responsible for the Black Death was once a mild stomach bug.
Rats were not responsible for the Black Death (I thought that the medieval killing of cats contributed to burgeoning rat populations that led to the fleas on rats carrying the plague).
6 Animals That Kill Natureʼs Scariest Creatures For Fun
500+ Atheism versus Theism Debates
“Atheist,” a poem by sci-fi author Dennis Danvers I recommend Circuit of Heaven, and also his recent short story, “The Fairy Princess.”
Sharing the Good Nudes, and Bad Neuters, of Christianity (& God's love for harp playing male virgins)
Abstract
Everything You Wanted To Know About Nude, Virginal, Castrated Men in the Bible, and Men “Undefiled by Women.” And Mosesʼs command not to “come at your wives” before meeting God. (Though I donʼt know if that applies to Southern Baptists heading for their annual convention.) Includes mention of the Adamites and the Skoptzie, along with Augustineʼs answer to the question, “What if all men should abstain from all sexual intercourse, whence will the human race exist?” All that and more below.
Sixty residents of the Seminole Health Club nudist camp near Miami comprise a Christian mission that worships twice a week in the nude. According to leader Elijah Jackson, “Weʼre not trying to start a cult here, but I think nudity adds something to Christianity.” — News of the Weird, “Weird Clergy”
In the past another group of Christians worshiped in the nude called “Adamites.” They believed that Jesusʼs grace allowed them to draw closer to God in their nakedness, unlike Adam and Eve who were ashamed and withdrew from God in the garden because of their nakedness. They also cited the verse in which Job reminded his listeners that we all entered and exited life naked, and used that to argue that we will all face God naked. Besides which King David lost his robe in a religious dancing frenzy and danced naked for the Lord. The only trouble I can see with worshiping naked in church is having to set the temperature neither too hot nor too cold and keeping the seats from getting sticky.
Christians who worship naked, and the Bible verses they focus upon, are not to be confused with Russian Skoptzie Christians who focused on Jesusʼs words, “Some have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.” (Mat. 19:12) The Skoptzie avoided the “lust of the eyes” and “of the flesh,” via the use of a knife. All for the kingdom. (Another example of a Christian who made himself a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven was the early church father Origin. Incidentally, he believed in the restoration of all things, except perhaps for the thing he cut off.) Will we behold in heaven naked dancing genital-less men — made eunuchs either on earth by their own hand, or transformed into genital-less angel-like beings after death by God?
The author of Revelation mentions “144,000 men… not defiled with women; for they are virgins,” who are granted a prominent place in front of Godʼs throne to play their harps. Thatʼs what God likes most I guess, harp playing male virgins. (Revelation 14: 2-4)
Old Testament authors seem to concur with at least the necessity of celibacy in the presence of Yahweh, since Exodus 19:15,17 taught that Israelite men must “NOT to come at your wives” prior to “meeting the Lord.”
Paul likewise hailed celibacy as a holy virtue, but added, concerning those who could not rise to practice such a virtue, “it is better to marry than to burn” (a verse not often heard at Christian marriage ceremonies today, I wonder why, itʼs biblical):
“It is good for a man NOT TO TOUCH A WOMAN. For I would that all men were even as I myself. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. [i.e., celibate] But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn… I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be. Are you loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. The time is short: it remains that they that have wives be as though they had none… He that is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit, that you may attend upon the Lord WITHOUT DISTRACTION.” (1 Corinthians 7:1,7,8-9,26-27,29,32-35)
But Augustineʼs commentary on Paulʼs verses is especially ripe:
“In the first times, it was the duty to use marriage. chiefly for the propagation of the human race. But now, in order to enter upon holy and pure fellowship. they who wish to contract marriage for the sake of children, are to be admonished, that they use rather the larger good of continence. But I am aware of some that murmur, ‘What if all men should abstain from all sexual intercourse, whence will the human race exist?’ Would that all would. Much more speedily would the City of God be filled, and the end of the world hastened. For what else does the Apostle Paul exhort to, when he says, ‘I would that all were as myself;’ or in that passage, ‘But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remains that both they who have wives, be as though not having: and they who weep, as though not weeping: and they who rejoice, as though not rejoicing: and they who buy, as though not buying: and they who use this world as though they use it not. For the form of this world is passing away.’” (Saint Augustine, On the Good of Marriage, Sections 9-10)
The Latest “Nudes” On the Christian Nudist Experience
Christian Nudist Convocation, Planning their Summer 2008 conference:
The periodic Christian Nudist Convocation took place in July at the Cherokee Lodge nudist camp in Tennessee, and according to a dispatch in Nashville Scene, the group evokes skepticism not only from most Christians (who dislike the flaunting of naked bodies, even if innocently done) but from most Cherokee Lodge members, who see them as too intense for naturismʼs laid-back attitude. One CNC attendee acknowledged that many Christians would not approve of Cherokee Lodge, but to him “Itʼs Jerusalem.” Another compared his work at nudist camps to missionary work: “Some people get sent to Africa, some people get sent to South America and the Lord was like, ‘I want you to go to nudist resorts.’ And Iʼm like, ‘Wow, what an assignment.’”
SOURCE: News of the Weird
“Christian nudists to build village in Florida”
by Phil Barnoti Wahba (Columbia News Service Dec. 6, 2005), www.azcentral.com
Jonathan Palmiter was enjoying a recent Sunday morning stroll through a lush yard full of trees and Spanish moss—naked as was Adam in the Garden of Eden. A 59-year-old born-again Christian, Palmiter was visiting Natura, a development 40 miles north of Tampa, Fla., that, when it opens up next summer, will become the first nudist community for devout Christians in North America.
Natura is being developed over five years and will house as many as 200 people in 50 family houses on 100 acres of land, with room for up to 100 recreational vehicles, according to Daniel Bellows, chief executive of the development. He even envisions a self-contained village with home-schooling and a strip mall.
Christian nudism might sound like an oxymoron, but for thousands of devout followers, living and worshipping naked is at the core of their faith. No one knows how many Christian nudists there are in North America, but the advent of Natura will increase their visibility.
Nathan Powers, a 50-year-old Texan, begins his day praying naked in his backyard. Nakedness intensifies his dialogue with God, he said. “I feel closer to God. Itʼs an act of humility. It is absolutely spiritual.” To reconcile being a good Christian with their need to be nude, many of the faithful turn to prayer and follow their own spiritual path. Some are led away from their particular denominations. Parker, who organizes the annual “Christian Nudist Convocation” in Virginia, a coming-out event for closeted nudists, was raised a Southern Baptist. He is now independent, turned off by Sunday sermons he said were “too hypocritical for one afternoon.”
The lifestyle of these Christians doesnʼt necessarily make them lefties of the 1960s free-love, live-and-let-live mold. They tend to be deeply conservative on issues like homosexuality and premarital sex, and Republican, differing only from other Christians in their need and desire to be naked whenever possible.
“Naked Before God,” cover story in Nashville Scene. Christian nudists hit the church-and the hot tub-for three days of wet and wild worship in the backwoods of Tennessee by Elizabeth Ulrich
The compatibility of Christianity and nudism is detailed in “Nakedness and the Bible,” a self-published book by Canadian author Paul Bowman. The book cites key biblical events, including Godʼs order to the prophet Isaiah to go naked for three years, and states that, contrary to popular belief, Jesus was naked when he washed the feet of his disciples, when he was baptized and when he was crucified and resurrected. “Nakedness and the Bible” states that nothing forbids nonsexual nudity and that misinterpretations of the Bible stem from faulty translations of ancient Hebrew words for nudity. For example, Jim T., Naturaʼs spiritual adviser, and his wife, Shirley, believe the apostle Paulʼs call for modesty targeted ostentation, not nudity. Besides, said Shirley, 55, women in church wearing “designer clothes and $90 haircuts” are the immodest ones.
Christian nudists have long organized their own services and prayer groups. Carolyn Hawkins of the American Association for Nude Recreation, which was founded in 1931, said most of its 270-member clubs offer Sunday services, including one in North Carolina where they are led by a member who is a Baptist minister. Nathan Powers, a 50-year-old Texan, begins his day praying naked in his backyard. Nakedness intensifies his dialogue with God, he said. “I feel closer to God. Itʼs an act of humility. It is absolutely spiritual.”
Jonathan Palmiter was enjoying a recent Sunday morning stroll through a lush yard full of trees and Spanish moss—naked as was Adam in the Garden of Eden. A 59-year-old born-again Christian, Palmiter was visiting Natura, a development 40 miles north of Tampa, Fla., that, when it opens up next summer, will become the first nudist community for devout Christians in North America.
Transgender Televangelist: Sister Paula Nielsen the worldʼs first and only transgender televangelist. Unfortunately, Sister Paulaʼs show is only available on the cable system of — you guessed it — West Hollywood.
Steve Hays of Triablogue, The Discomfiter, and Stephen Colbert
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